3 important things to note before you marry him and what to do, if you married the wrong one...

A follow up to yesterday's post about finding the right partner. 

(Watch my YouTube video on it: Search 3 questions Ekene) 

Ask the questions, watch his actions. 

A man with VISION makes moves in that direction. A Japanese proverb says vision without action is just a dream. A man with VISION is strategic, he doesn't just go for anything that comes along (that includes women, jobs...) Same proverb continues, Action without vision is a nightmare.

Pay attention. And while you are checking him. Check you. You attract what you are. Do you have a vision? Are you making moves in that direction? Are you strategic? If not, I highly recommend you take the Big Vision class. It will really help you get clear and also create a plan for action. 

A lot of people have aspirational VALUES but what dictates how we live are our actual VALUES. Watch how he spends his resources. If he says family is a value but never spends time with them, sporadic calls etc, it's likely not his actual value. If he says integrity is a value but he frequently is unreliable, again, not an actual value. If he says a relationship with God is important to him but he never prays & his morality is relative...you do the math. 

Again...check yourself too...

Finally VOICE. Does he honor your voice. Does he respect your opinion? Does he put you down in any way? Is he proud of you in public. Does he brag on your accomplishments? Is he supportive of your ideas and dreams? Does he even LISTEN?

No matter how much older, more accomplished, more whatever, he seems to be, if you partner with a man who doesn't honor your voice, before you know, you will swallow it and become a shadow of the woman you once were. And listen, a wife is not meant to be a trophy, she is meant to be a partner. You are meant to be critical in his path to destiny and he is meant to be critical in yours. Choose wisely.

If you are wanting to get ready and work on yourself, so you can be your best you, consider joining the next cohort of Operation WOW. It's a holistic success program for women who are ready to live with passion, confidently step into their purpose and create lives that sparkle.

But maybe you are saying, "What about me? I didn't ask these questions before I got married and now I feel stuck. What do I do?"

Here are some remedies if you didn't do it right the first time. If the relationship can be refreshed, here are some possibilities.

I believe all change starts from you. You have to take your focus off him and put it on you and God. In order to change your life or even your marriage, you have to become the change. 

1. Get clear on your vision. Even he doesn't have one, you can get one. If you aren't really sure about your vision and what that means, I highly recommend you take the Big Vision class. It will really help you get clear and also create a plan for action. Once you have clarity on your vision, start taking action. Stop waiting on him. Stop focusing on him. You have power by yourself. You want to be financially secure? Think about how you can accomplish that. Want a loving family? Create a love culture in your home. Transformation inspires and creates a path for influence. When he sees its not business as usual, he will have two choices. To grow and change or to leave. Either way, you will be better off. 

2. Start living in alignment with your values. Get clear on what's important to you and realign your life accordingly. Stop making excuses. Stop letting inconvenience stop you, if you say something is important to you, then live up to that. Make new decisions. This is your only life! 

3. If you have swallowed your voice, then it's time to take back your power.  

Please note (If you are in an abusive relationship, this is not for you. Because you need to be in a safe space. If speaking up will lead to his causing you harm, then you need to be somewhere safe!)

Take back your power. We often give away our power in the following ways. 

1. Needing too much validation from people. People get confused. They begin to think they are your God and they start believing you are less than. You have to stop seeking and needing their validation. Some of us express and receive love by words of affirmation, that is my love language as well. However, I know that if I live by a person's validation, I will die by their rejection and that is too much power to give to another human being. So I have learnt to enjoy affirmation, and deal with rejection because I know one core truth that guides me. 

Repeat this. "I am loved, by the Most High, and no being made from dust can compete with that." Let that sink into your soul. That way when you speak, even if he doesn't respond favorably, it won't break you. 

2. Staying too long where we are tolerated. You don't have to divorce or even separate, but you can start living your own life. If your life revolves around him, it's time to make it revolve around you for a minute. I know women who have given up hobbies they love because he wasn't interested. Some of you have given up so much, you no longer remember what even makes you come alive...And the sad irony is, the more you give up for him, the less you become in his eyes, because you are less and less interesting and the message you continue to send is, I have less value than you...and he will continue to act accordingly. 

It's time to get your life! Rediscover the wonder that is you. Getting your life, doesn't mean getting involved with another relationship, in fact that is a sure way to lose yourself completely because then you are outside of integrity. You can connect to positive and inspirational communities outside of him. Come to a Refresh retreat for instance, make an investment in yourself. You may have been tolerated so long, you forgot you are a wonderful and fascinating woman, a child of God who deserves to be celebrated. 

Get your life mama...

3. Not taking ownership of our lives. It's easier to play victim than to be a victor. It's easier to blame everyone else rather than face yourself and admit that you created or at least co-created your reality so you have responsibility. 

You have to take responsibility for this life you find yourself in. Nothing will change until you face your truth. Why did you choose a man who didn't really value you? Because you didn't value yourself. Why did you allow him to squelch your voice, because you didn't trust what you had to say anyway. 

It's time for all of us to rise to a higher level of self love. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Forgive yourself for not loving yourself enough. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you did that has diminished your value and hear this truth. 

I know this not just because I'm a coach with extensive training and certifications, but because I once lost myself and my life only changed when I began to invest in myself and do my work. Are you ready to do the same?

Or maybe you need a one on one VIP Refresh lifestyle makeover, I can help

Either way, or even if you don't work with me, I hope you remember this...

Every day comes with new mercies. God is a loving God and you are redeemed! Stop letting the accuser in your mind convince you otherwise. It doesn't matter what you did or who you were, today is a new day. Turn from those old ways and determine who you want to be and act accordingly. God bless you! Muah!